went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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