the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
