Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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