We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
