i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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