You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
