Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
