What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
