I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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