I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
