Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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