dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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