If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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