I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
