Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
