the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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