I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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