Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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