I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
