I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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