hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize