Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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