i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
