How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
