both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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