I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
