You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
