remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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