just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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