bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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