I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if only i could text you this smell
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
