This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
