New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
