it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
