doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
