I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize