can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
