The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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