I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Randomize
