I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
