yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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