There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
