Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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