Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
