you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
