remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize