I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
