I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
