I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
