my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
