She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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