I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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