I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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