i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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