the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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