everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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