I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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