I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
