so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
