Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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