i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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